Black Hair The black dude walked into the house to see his wife dancing seductively in front of him. "Hey babe," he said. "Where'd you get that grass skirt?" "That aint no grass skirt," she replied. "I had my hair straightened."   Heart Transplant An old Souther planter goes into the hospital and is informed by the doctor that his condition is pretty serious. In fact, he's going to require a heart transplant. "Well, doctor," drawls the planter, "you'd best get on with it. But whatever you do, just don't give me the heart of a black man." When he comes out of the anaesthetic, the doctor is leaning over his bedside anxiously. "Cal," he says, "I got to use a black man's heart." Cal pales. "But the good news is: your dick is three inches longer.   The Genie A black guy knew he had it made when the old brass bottle he found in the back yard turned out to have a genie in it. Any three wishes he had would be granted, the genie informed him. "I wanna be rich," said the black man. The back yard filled up with chests of gold coins and jewels in the blink of an eye. "I'm no fool," said the black man. "I wanna be white." And there he stood, white, blonde-haired and blue-eyed. "Thirdly, I never want to work another day in my life." And he was black again.   Ghetto Test If the statement is true add the points in parenthesis to your score. Scoring is given at the bottom of the test. 1. You've ever used an album cover or old envelope for a dustpan. (5 points) 2. You've ever put foil on your TV antennas to get better reception. (8 points) 3. You've ever had to use pliers to turn your TV on. (7points) 4. You had to come in the house when the street lights came on. (6 points) 5. You had a candy lady in your neighborhood. (5 + 5 extra points if your house was the candy lady) 6. If you can count more than five police cars in your neighborhood on a daily basis. (3 points) 7. If you ever had to pick your own switch or belt. (3 points for each) 8. If you've ever been beaten with an extension cord. (15 points) 9. If you have ever had to walk to or home from school. (2 points) 10. If you've ever passed someone a note asking "Do you like me?" or "Can I have a chance?" check _yes, _no or _maybe. (7 points) 11. If you have ever used dish washing liquid for bubble bath. (9points) 12. If you have ever mixed up some Kool-Aid and the found that you didn't have any sugar. (4 points & add 4 if you put the pitcher in the refrigerator until you got some sugar) 13. If you have ever played any of the following games. (2 points each): (hide and go seek, freeze tag, captain or momma may I?, or red light..yellow light..green light 123!) 14. If your neighborhood had an ice cream man. (2 points + 2 if he rang a bell + 5 if he played R&B) 15. If you remember any of the following candies. (1 point each): cherry clans, lemon heads, Alexander the grape, ring pops, Chico sticks, baked beans, candy cigarettes, powder packs with the white dip stick, big league chew, "Wine" Candy (jolly ranchers), jaw breakers, and candy necklaces. 16. If you refer to Now and Laters candies as "Nighladers". (6 points) 17. If you've ever ran from the police on foot. (5 points + 5 if you got away) 18. If you remember underoos or the Wonder Woman bra and panty set. (6 points + 4 if you owned some) 19. If you've ever had reusable grease in a container on your stove. (5 points) 20. The batteries in your remote control are held in by a piece of tape. (5 points) 21. If you've ever used any of the following for drinking glasses. (3 points each): jelly jars, mayonnaise jars, mason jars, or peanut butter jars. 22. You've ever covered your furniture in plastic. (2 points) 23. The heels of your feet have ever looked like you had been kicking flour. (1point) 24. If you have ever worn any of the following fragrances. (1 point each): Brute, Hai Karate, Jean Nate, Old Spice, Chloe, English Leather, Stetson, Charlie, or Faberge'. 25. You've ever used Tussy. (9 points) 26. You've never been to the dentist. (10 points + 10 if you've never been to the doctor.) 27. You've ever wore clothes with the tag still on them. (4 points) 28. If you're acquainted with someone with a name as follows. (3 points): Kay-Kay, Lee-Lee, Ree-Ree, Ray-Ray, etc. 29. You have ever paged yourself for any reason. (3 points) 30. You've ever worn house shoes outside of the house. (2 points) 31. You add "ED" or "T" to the end of words already in the past tense (for example, Tooked, Light-Skinneded, kilt, ruint, etc). (3 points) 32. You pronounce words like this (1 point for each example you can think of skrimps or strimps, skreet, axe (ask), member (remember), frigerator, etc. 33. You use nem' to describe a certain group of people (for example Craig and nem' or momma and nem'). (6 points) 34. You've ever had a crack across your windshield and never bothered to get it fixed. (3 points) 35. You've ever driven on a donut more than 2 weeks after your flat. (4 points) 36. You've ever asked a perfect stranger to take a picture with you and told your friends it was someone you dated. (3 points) 37. Your child drops his/her pacifier and you sanitize it by sucking it. (7 points) 38. If you've ever ran a race barefoot in the middle of the street at approximately 11 at night. (10 points) 39. You've ever left a social gathering with a plate. (1 point) 40. You leave a restaurant with silverware, sugar, and/or jelly. (8 points) 41. You think "red" is a flavor of Kool-Aid. (4 points) 42. You can't hold a glass because of the length of your nails. (3 points) 43. The gold teeth in your mouth spell words. (8 points) 44. You don't have your own place but your child has a leather coat and a pair of Jordan's. (5 points) 45. If you've ever had to get to the driver's side of the car through the passenger side door. (8 points) 46. You have ever slept in a chair to avoid messing up your hair. (7 points) 47. You constantly hit *69 and ask, "Did you just call here?" (10 points) 48. You won't answer the phone if you don't recognize the number on the caller id box. (7 points) 49. You know a child who can't speak, but can do the "bank-head bounce." (15 points) 50. You think Tupac is still alive. (20 points) Scoring 0 - 30 - You have enjoyed a nice sheltered life in the suburbs. 31 - 60 - Hood movies have given you a little exposure. 61 - 100 - You may have visited the hood a few times or on weekends. 101 - 130 - You probably spent a few years in the hood, and moved to the suburbs. 131 - 160 - You're the genuine article. You are no stranger to hood life. 161 - 200 - You are definitely, without a doubt an expert on life in the hood. 201+ - Congratulations! You are Ghetto Fabulous!